I and Love and You

So I guess last week I thought things could work out, but I think I'm wrong. I'm always going to just be so angry at you, at me, at him. And nothing anybody can do will change that. Maybe it's best that me and you aren't together now, it probably is. I'm happier now, I just need to not be angry at you for...well I'm not even sure now. It's not you that I miss, I don't want to miss anyone, but I'm not actually happy. It's weird how I can be happier but I'm so far from actually being happy. I'm occupying my time with stupid little activities, work, drama, the gillnetter. I can't even keep up with any of those things. The only reason I think I'm doing drama is so that YOU, not you but some other person who's remaining nameless (and NOT the you mentioned earlier...we are talking about a totally new person now.) because you ignore me all day long, you don't even look at me once, when I see you in Walgreens with all your friends you make them get you stuff then you leave so you don't have to be within 5 feet of me. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate how far things have gone from where they were, I hate that you can't say thank you when I help you, I hate that if I even try to help you- you just pretend I didn't say a word and have a stupid bimbo who sits next to you help. fuck. I don't get it, no, YOU don't get it. I don't want to be more than anything, I just want to be friends, I want to be closer, I want a chance to show you everything I've been trying to tell you for the past 4 years now. There's nobody else, I don't think there ever really was. And I'm not going to admit any of this, I'm not going to admit anything more than me just "liking" you.

"Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins"

You want nothing to do with me or my life, and I get that, believe me I understand. I deserve every single dirty look, I deserve every single bad thing you've said about me. But I just don't get it, how did it come to this. Well I understand that much, but what I mean is...how is it you can say you'll feel or think something forever and then because of one person you can just shut it off and never feel anything for me ever again. I feel the same, no, I'm actually lying. I feel different now, I do. I can't say how, but I do. I'm so pathetic, YOUR so pathetic, we both are. I just wish you had read anything I gave you, I wish he never said anything, I wish I never did any of the things I have done to you, I wish I could take it back. But most of all I wish that some day down the road all the things that have happened will lead me down some obscure road back to you and me and what we were. None of those things will happen. I know that now.

"Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do"