The Ballad of Love and Hate

"Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again."

I need some inspiration, really quite badly. I'm trying to write a couple books, two to be exact. Well two...but well three, I'm hoping to expand a short story I wrote in Writing for Pub. last year. (Red Death at 6:14) But I havent even started to expand that one yet. I've been writing a story since 8th grade, but well the person I was writing it on, well the person the story was inspired from is kinda gone now. That story is really weird actually, I haven't picked it up in forever, it makes me sad to read it or write for it. And the one I'm writing now doesn't really have anyone that it's based on and I'm just trying to pull it out of thin air. I don't like it. I want someone to inspire me again, I need somebody to. I want to finish these stories so that maybe I could feel a tiny bit more complete. That sounds so stupid, but it makes sense to me. When I think about these stories I think about all the people and emotions I based them on and how badly I miss them all, I can't write for my first story at all, it's been over a year since I've written anything for it. That's so pathetic, I remember saying how I wanted it done by senior year and hopefully publish it and maybe make somebody feel the way I felt. (not to mention make some money)

"Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

BUT, I honestly can't write anything for it, because every single entry (give or take a few) is about somebody and how I felt about them, that story was written in such a weird, weird time. But it ment so much to me, so much crap happened that I've put behind me. Maybe I should start writing again, but I don't want to think about it...you know. It's one thing to write in a journal, and I do (a lot), and I tell myself; nono I'll use this someday, maybe I'll base a page or two off of what I write in here. But I don't...maybe I should. Who knows, I'll put something in here for you guys to read, or not read, and you can tell me what you think. Honestly, I think my stories are a piece of crap. I've been told that they are "Pretty words that just talk in circles." yeah. They are. I'm really not going to deny it, I write about the same person over and over again, I dress him up in different characters and they all end the same, one turns out gay, the other just leaves her, and well the other dies. They all say they love her and need her and then they just kinda leave suddenly, and she can't really do anything about it (despite all her attempts to keep them.) It's a "book written by a girl on her period" (one of my old friends...the person the book is based on, hated books written by girls because they were all whiney and all talked about love and loss.)

"Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.

Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink."

I write a lot, I have a lot to say perhaps, actually it's mostly the song quotes (sorry guys.) I've become obsessed with this song, The Ballod of Love and Hate by The Avett Brothers. Good stuff. The bell is going to wring. I'll post some of one of the stories I'm writing (write a comment and tell me if I should post; from my first story, or the new one I'm writing. Let me know!)

"Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm your's and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever."

I and Love and You

So I guess last week I thought things could work out, but I think I'm wrong. I'm always going to just be so angry at you, at me, at him. And nothing anybody can do will change that. Maybe it's best that me and you aren't together now, it probably is. I'm happier now, I just need to not be angry at you for...well I'm not even sure now. It's not you that I miss, I don't want to miss anyone, but I'm not actually happy. It's weird how I can be happier but I'm so far from actually being happy. I'm occupying my time with stupid little activities, work, drama, the gillnetter. I can't even keep up with any of those things. The only reason I think I'm doing drama is so that YOU, not you but some other person who's remaining nameless (and NOT the you mentioned earlier...we are talking about a totally new person now.) because you ignore me all day long, you don't even look at me once, when I see you in Walgreens with all your friends you make them get you stuff then you leave so you don't have to be within 5 feet of me. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate how far things have gone from where they were, I hate that you can't say thank you when I help you, I hate that if I even try to help you- you just pretend I didn't say a word and have a stupid bimbo who sits next to you help. fuck. I don't get it, no, YOU don't get it. I don't want to be more than anything, I just want to be friends, I want to be closer, I want a chance to show you everything I've been trying to tell you for the past 4 years now. There's nobody else, I don't think there ever really was. And I'm not going to admit any of this, I'm not going to admit anything more than me just "liking" you.

"Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins"

You want nothing to do with me or my life, and I get that, believe me I understand. I deserve every single dirty look, I deserve every single bad thing you've said about me. But I just don't get it, how did it come to this. Well I understand that much, but what I mean is...how is it you can say you'll feel or think something forever and then because of one person you can just shut it off and never feel anything for me ever again. I feel the same, no, I'm actually lying. I feel different now, I do. I can't say how, but I do. I'm so pathetic, YOUR so pathetic, we both are. I just wish you had read anything I gave you, I wish he never said anything, I wish I never did any of the things I have done to you, I wish I could take it back. But most of all I wish that some day down the road all the things that have happened will lead me down some obscure road back to you and me and what we were. None of those things will happen. I know that now.

"Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do"

It greatly perplexes me why people feel the desire to be such assholes. I hate my job so much, honestly i think I'm going to quite, you can take my job if you really desire (walgreens). But you would greatly regret it every single second you are in there. I'm so frustrated, it's not even funny. I had asked for halloween not off...but to only work 8-4 or something (morning shift) because my siblings wanted me to go with them to get candy, and well helloooo free candy much? So anyways I thought i was denied to work that time seems how I'm schedualed 4-10, like always, but when i went on the office computer it looks like I was APPROVED the time that I wanted, but nope i'm STILL not schedualed for 8-4. So pissed. A second thing; I'm in the school play and cannot work friday the 13, and guess what day i'm schedualed, oh and guess what day I'm NOT showing up, yup the 13th. A third thing, so we've established that i'm working on Halloween correct? Well, it appears that I'm not working again for a week, but then I'm working that Saturday AND Sunday. Apparently my new schedual is Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah, that's really not going to work for me. If I could I would burn Walgreens to the ground, well no, i just want to quit, but my mom wont let me. I'll just say I got fired. Walgreens makes me hate life.
P.S all our milk products are expired.
P.P.S All the employees hate you, no matter what you do, we hate you so much.
P.P.PS They enjoy talking about you once you leave.
P.P.P.P.S STOP PAYING IN COINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This spacebar is not working, it's stuck. I hate this keyboard!!!!

The Life And Times Of WALGREENS

(writting like someone else, who's totally not John.)

So, I work at Walgreens and I get paid $8.25 to stand there and deal with everyone's crap. The managers are mean and they play favorites with everyone but me, the customers complain if they buy something and it's not the price they wanted it to be. It takes everything in me to not just scream and beat them all to a pulp. I know I'm supposed to be nice but some people I just really don't even care, like this one girl who takes forever to pick anything out, she's probably in her late fourties early fifties, she enjoys wearing short skirts and shirts that are obviously two sizes (or five) too small because she's on a diet and cant wait for the day the shirt fits without her boobs oozing out the tops and sides. Oh and did I mention that she loved the coconut M&M's? But Walgreens sold out of those a LONG time ago, so I had to then find something equivalent that wasn't a chocolate bar because you know she'd it all in one day, and god forbid that happens, so I had to spend about an hour looking for something that tastes the same, but she hates lindt chocolate, and almond joys...she hated everything clearly! Or there's the lady who is clearly on heroine or meth, or i'm not sure but she scares me. She says crazy things like, "I'm sorry sir, you can't go to heaven." Yeah, cr3333per. Did I mention the managers? Yes thank you so much for telling me that if I don't come in because of my wisdom teeth surgery consultation appointment, I'm fired. I hate you Walgreens, so much.

A Compromising Situation.

Have you ever felt completally happy one moment, then as quickly as it came you are ready to just scream and hit a wall until your fingers are smashed and your knuckles white? That's how I've been feeling nearly every second of every day, I'm so happy but I'm so angry all the time. It's confusing and my head hurts and I keep having random panic attacks over absolutally nothing. The more I try to hold everything in the worse it gets, I would love to just say what is on my mind but you'd all hate me. Does anybody else know what I'm talking about, even in the least? Maybe I'm bi-polar. I brought up that possibility to my old therapist (he was such a major creep you don't even understand. He enjoyed giving me Reeses Cups and then watch me eat them intently. I haven't eated one since.) but he just laughed and brushed it all off. Maybe things will get better, who knows, I will just deal with this on my own just like every other thing that's been wrong so far. Because god knows I'm not going to my other other old therapist (the most recent out of the 3. She was a dumb ass. There is really no better word to describe her.) her ability to not listen to a word I say amazes me even to this day.
I just looked up Bipolar Disorder, thanks to google, I honestly think that I could have this disorder. Basically what I'm getting out of the article(s) that I've read is this:
Abrupt mood swings can occur from being depressed to a manic panic state from happy to anything really. There can be an increase or decrease in amount of sleep and food a person eats, (I havent slept in a day, and the most I've actually wanted to eat was two veggy chicken tenders, seems how I'm a vegetarian, and a cupcake my brother made for me.) There is an increase in aggitation (amount of time it takes to become aggitated) Overindulgence in activites, racing thoughts, lowered or higher self esteem (depending on the level of Bipolar dissorder we are talking about, 1 or 2)
I'm not sure but that sure sounds like me. Although a person with Bi Polar Disorder might deny that they have it...whatever. I'm proboably just going crazy, most likely. My hands are shaking pretty bad, and I don't know what to write, and CLEARLY I can't find a "theme" to follow with these blogs.
(I used this picture because many people believe Van Gogh suffered
from bipolar disorder. Bipolar and manic dissorders are commonly
believed to be associated with the arts. Many authors say that
when they have an episode of manic behavior it influences their
high points in writing. Um hello, I write books like it's my job and I
ONLY write when I'm mid panic attack. Just saying.)

Upside Down Triangles Mean Yield

So I'm knee deep in my drivers manual, I have about 120 pages I need to read by tomorrow afternoon and on top of that I need to pass the permit test, it will most likely be with flying colors if I pass at all. Hopefully I will pass, because on top of that it's 30$ that I don't really have to spend on a stupid test, so if I fail that's another 30$ that I need to cough up out of nowhere. Loads of fun? I thought so. So perhaps I can ask my doting mother or grandmother and dad to all chip in and pay for my test, that way so it doesn't need to come from my barely growing wallet, I should be studying right now. I really really should, because well I don't have anything to say on here and I don't really want to be doing anything on here right now. I'd amazingly rather be reading about what you need on a car to make it function properly (A muffler, horn, directionthinger, and windshield wipers) I believe those are the correct answers. I also should be learning about what signs mean what, (an octagon is specifically ment for stop, an upside down triangle means to yield.) I'm sure there are others, but I'm not that far yet. I should be highlighting stupid sentences that I'll proboably never read again in my life, and by the time I have children the rules will have changed and all the highlighted pages will mean nothing. I could read during my Algebra class, while everyone takes a test that I'm totally not prepared for and I sit there and fail. I'm supposed to be hosting a meeting today for our school newspaper, the catch though is that nobody wrote anything, so well we can't really have a meeting now can we? Clearly I'm not a very good leader.

You Just Don't Get It.

I just spent the entire day yesterday arguing, I'm tired and my throat hurts and I really just don't want to talk to anybody in the entire world. I don't want to go home, I don't want to go out, I don't really want to be anywhere or with anyone. I find myself hating people more and more every single day; just everything about them. The inability to understand what people are saying, the way everyone only hears what they want to hear, even if it's completally off topic they will just change it to what they want you to say. I don't even care anymore, I just have given up. I don't want to be with anyone I don't even wanna be within a 10ft radius of a living being, I want to be alone, I want to just tell everyone to get the hell away from me. I don't care what you think, I'm not nice and I'm not going to pretend to be nice if I'm clearly not in a good mood and I clearly don't want you to talk to me. But apparently that is way too much for a single person to understand, clearly.
I understand where people come from, you want answers; but I don't have all the answers. And a little word to the wise is that if you ask somebody if they want to be with you still when the person clearly is angry and has already said they don't want to be near you, they aren't going to be thinking quite clearly and all they are going to be thinking about is wicked angry stuff that isn't going to be helpful to you or the situation. So when somebody says "I don't know" it means they don't know so please just shut up and stop asking the same question every single second of the day. I'm just not even going to be answering your questions soon enough. The truth of the matter is that I don't want to be with you anymore, I just don't. But if you knew that then you would flip out like you always do, you'd start yelling and crying saying that I hate you and you never want to speak to me again, then you hang up the phone. I call, we fight, you cry, I get angry. We get back together. I hate it. I hate you. I hate myself. I just don't understand how you can be so far from the truth all the time, I don't understand how you just don't understand me and what i try to tell you. I just don't want to be together, I hate that we fight every day, but we do. And maybe that's something we just can't fix with a simple conversation. I know you want to try, I wanted to as well, but there is no point anymore and I don't care that we are beyond saving. I'd love to tell you all this but what's the point?